I once again realized how thin the layer of crust is that covers this dark abyss of pain inside of me. One step too many, it breaks away and plunges me into utter darkness where I battle to breathe. “Judas, selling her two boys for 30 pieces of silver.” Yes, I’m forgiven… washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. Yes, I had to forgive myself if I didn’t want to go off my head. But don’t you ever tell me a mother can forget the children she carried under her heart, gave birth to, and cherished through their toddler years. Nothing can replace them, or repay those years of longing…. wondering where they are, and praying that it is going well with them. One day all this pain will be gone, but not on this earth. Around that pain I built a life for myself, became the woman I am today.
I became a mother to many; not just the six raised in our home but outsiders finding in me a confidant that was not easily shocked by real life stories. Ask my children to describe me in one word and they will say “Fairness.” You play fair or you will see me on the war path. I marched into a police station once, demanded the release of my gardener – and declared that I will demonstrate my defiance and protest by toy-toying until I am heard. He was released, and I relieved because I don’t really know how to toy-toy. Life did not strip me of my sense of humor or my love for laughter, and that I am very grateful for. The last thing I want to become is a sour bitter person who treat other people like dirt. Talking about people… I love people. Apparently my main gift is hospitality. Kick out your shoes, lift up your feet and relax is a motto of mine.
That about sums me up.
Until next time
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